LPJL Daily Takedown – June 30th, 2017

Between Clinics and Uteruses, It’s No Surprise that Anti-Choice Uter-oadies Show Up Where They Aren’t Invited

What do oil spills, and anti-abortion lies have in common? Their aftermath is toxic and they tend to SPREAD. Abortion clinic stalkers have started branching out from harassing patients and providers, to harassing patients who are forced to travel at airports, and even getting nice sit-down tables at rock festivals where they can spread their lies as Bowling for Soup plays on the main stage. The Warped Tour is allowing the anti-choice shlockers, Rock for Life to table at festival shows (despite the opposition to their presence by many of the bands!) And in Ireland, home of some of the most medieval abortion policies on earth, anti-choice snakes plan to picket at airports just to harass people who are forced to travel to other countries for their human rights! These are the same people who show up to try and disrupt our Vagical Mystery Tour shows (see below). The antidote to this spreading contagion is TRUTH and LPJL plans to lay it on them!

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SB 5 – “We Didn’t Mean That Shitty Thing, We Meant This OTHER Shitty Thing”

MISSOURI: NOW WITH 1% LESS CRAZY! The anti-choice politicians in Missouri are saying that people misinterpreted the whack-job laws they’re passing in a special legislative session devoted to anti-abortion whack-job laws. Specifically, they say their new laws won’t allow employers to fire people who use birth control. They’ll just allow landlords to evict them! Or anyone who offends their religious sensibilities by having an abortion or getting pregnant out of wedlock. Well they sure are assuring us that they’re not COMPLETELY unhinged… and they’re probably lying when they say that much!

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Will Indiana AG Appeal A Teen’s Right to Keep Their Parent Out of Their Uterus?

INDIANA POLITICIANS ARE NOT APPEALING: LITERALLY, AND FIGURATIVELY.

It turns out they won’t say whether or not they plan to appeal a judge’s injunction against a law making it harder for minors to get an abortion – YET. But the general rule of thumb is that, if it makes people’s lives more difficult—especially women’s lives—then Indiana is going to do it. After All, this is the political house that Pence built. . Stay tuned, Hoosiers, and we’ll keep you posted.

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David Daleiden: “What’s Does A Guy Gotta Do to Spread More Lies Around Here?!”

DALEIDEN SACK OF SHIT! Professional liar and video-doctor, David Daleiden is the monster who made the surgically enhanced undercover videos that anti-abortion looneys have been trumpeting for years now. Now this sad little broflake claims Planned Parenthood is “terrified” over other videos he has. But his record of deception has evidently convinced a judge to issue an order preventing him from spewing more falsehoods. He’ll have to be content with his prior awards for “Most Deceptive Editing.

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VAGICAL UPDATE!

The Vagical Mystery Tour invaded St. Louis, and St. Louis welcomed us with open arms and open mouths! Ya know, from ALL. OF. THE. LAUGHING.

Alex English hosted: Buzz Off, Lucille, Joyelle Johnson, Negin Farsad, Leah Bonnema, and Lizz Winstead! (who began her set with a very special tribute to Missouri’s own Mike Moon)

Thank you NARAL Missouri for coming out! Also, our new friends from the Hope Clinic for Women joined us for some pre-show and post-show tabling!

Speaking of Hope Clinic, The LPJL paid a visit to the clinic this afternoon bearing gifts! And by “gifts” we mean a “wine and tacos” Friday lunch followed by an HGTV-style Abortion Clinic Makeover!

Dysfunctional Family Affair

WTF, Missouri?

The “Show Me State” seems determined to show the world that it’s a major douche balloon.

In just the past few weeks, we’ve told you about Missouri trying to overturn a St. Louis ordinance that provides protection from workplace discrimination for those who have had an abortion, take contraception, use artificial insemination, or get pregnant out of wedlock.

Hot on the shit-heels of that, Missouri Senator Bob Onder wanted to change the name of the St. Louis Zoo to the “Midwest Abortion Sanctuary City Zoo.” He also suggested that women should get their abortions at the zoo.

Yo! Big MO! We’ve got 50 states full of anti-choice dick-weeds. We can’t be covering them all if you’re coughing up a hairball o’ misogyny every few minutes.

So what’s the latest from the “Blow Me State”? The Missouri House trying to pass (PUSH! PUSH!) a bill that would–wait for it–require a parent consenting to a minor’s abortion to notify the second parent or legal guardian of the minor’s plans to terminate a pregnancy.

For those of you who don’t speak ass-clown, what that means is that Missouri wants to stretch the concept of parental consent until an abortion for a pregnant minor becomes A FUCKING FAMILY AFFAIR. Are we going to have a voice vote or a roll call!?!

Needless to say, the families who will be deciding the fate of their unfortunate daughters will not always be Ozzie and Fucking Harriet. As the Houston Herald reported “Democrats said the amendment could allow abusive parents to be notified of an abortion, which could potentially put young women in danger.” YA THINK?

As the Herald noted, “Supporters of the amendment said it could help start conversations in families….” Yes. And some of those conversations will end with restraining orders.

GOP Rep. Rick Brattin said “I think we’ve got to do things that ensure that all parties have a vested interest in this life-ending, life-changing decision.” ALL PARTIES!?! The only one that matters is the person hosting this particular “party.”

It’s a pregnancy, not an infrastructure bill. Ultimately, the decision has to be made by the person who is pregnant–not their extended family, and surely not the Missouri House.

I Am Not My Brother’s Zookeeper

So what does abortion and the St. Louis Zoo have in common? Just wait…

In efforts to improve their infrastructure and conserve endangered species, the St. Louis Zoo has requested to boost their sales tax for visitors beyond city limits. In layman’s terms, the zoo wants to save some awesome animals and generate revenue that will contribute to the upkeep of its facilities.

No big deal, right? Unless of course you’re Missouri Senator and self-appointed ‘bill advertising’ aficionado Bob Onder.

Bob thinks the revenue expansion must occur under one condition – changing the name [of the zoo] to the “Midwest Abortion Sanctuary City Zoo.”

HOLY. FUCKING. HARAMBE. Someone had a big hearty bowl of CONFLATE-O’s for breakfast!

How much of an anti-choice douche must one be to hear “Hey let’s save the Zoo!” and think “Only if we call it the “WE HATE ABORTION” ZOO!?” That’s not a trick question, because the answer is “BIG MUCH.”

 
Politicians like Onder come up with some tragically creative ways to express their distaste for reproductive rights, and nonsensical comments like Onder’s are prime examples of why LPJL constantly works to keep abortion off of the endangered species list.

BREAKING: Lady Parts Justice League Uncovers Anti-Catholic Girl Scout Merit Badge Program

Is that a Thin Mint or Feminist propaganda?! The Archbishop of St. Louis, Robert Carlson, is asking parishioners to LOOK ELSEWHERE with regards to the Girl Scouts. Go find some other gal groups to join because these young ladies are clearly dealing cookies for the devil!

ABP Robbie Rob believes — which means he believes that G*d believes — that Girl Scout Troops are in direct conflict with what it means to be a good Catholic. I mean, with some of the badges they are handing out for completed tasks, who could blame him…