Fighting Zombie Laws (Shirts Optional)

Canada is really close to becoming a total Anne Hathaway. Like, we get it, you’re perfect and know how to shake hands. But now Canada is fighting “zombies” and tbh, they’re one shirtless prime minister pic away from us finding a new country-crush because it’s all too many feels.

Zombie Laws are outdated laws that remain on the books despite being struck down in court and being totally unenforceable.  Some of these insane bans they’re looking to chainsaw out of the books include:

  • Water-skiing at night (What?!)
  • Vagrancy
  • Duelling
  • Crime comics
  • Fraudulently pretending to practice witchcraft (seriously.)

One of these totally outdated laws is…a ban on abortion.  Yup, not only does Canada have total legal abortion with zero restrictions, they’re also taking a machete to any remaining zombie grip that references banning abortion.

It’s hard not to view this late night water-ski dueling paradise as a brochure for moving to Canada. While they axe every remaining law banning abortion from record we’re in the US fighting 6-week abortion bans and a constant fear of the Pence Posse overturning Roe v Wade. So while the image of a dashing Justin Trudeau beheading zombies is appealing, we have our own zombies to fight.

 

Springtime for Hatred

Why do we have to do this shit? Because they’re constantly doing it on the other side–and they’re FULL OF SHIT. That gives them an advantage in a shit-slog.

March 1st marks the first day of “40 Days for Life,” an anti-choice, anti-woman, anti-human rights nationwide vag-hate fest. It’s like if SXSW, Coachella, and Bonnaroo were all rolled into one… if they catered only to a militant and angry fringe. It’s Burning Man becomes “You’ll Burn in Hell, Woman!”  

From now until April 9th, self-righteous hypocrites, misogynistic hate-mongers, and tragically misused child props will descend on women’s clinics all over America. There, they will conduct a campaign of harassment and hate under the guise of prayer, vigils, and, for some reason, fasting. (Evidently it’s easier to yell at clinic workers and frightened patients if you have hypoglycemia.)

As you probably already suspected, the “40 Days For Life” campaign is now connected to Donald Trump tiny-hand-in-pussy. Anti-choice mouthpiece LifeSiteNews reports that “40 Days For Life will be on the lookout for anti-Trump disruptors.” They quote 40 Days president Shawn Carney as saying, “The hatred of Donald Trump is being directed at the pro-life movement. The climate is much more hostile to our movement.” Yes, yes–you and your creepy orange mentor are the victims here. If the ascent of the Pussy-Grabber-in-Chief has done anything good, it’s to expose the real faces of these hypocritical fuckwads.

And this 40 Days hate-fest is only the first of a full calendar of anti-choice hysteria. This summer the vile and violent Operation Save America (formerly Operation Rescue National) will hold their annual “Summer of Justice.” This is a group with a long history of violence.

But we at Lady Parts Justice League are actively opposing these crusades of hatred by literally putting boots on the ground! This summer we’ll conduct another 8-week “Summer of Lady Parts Justice Tour.” We’ll be going to the same clinics that the anti’s are attacking, staging counter protests, and offering help and support to the beleaguered providers on the front line.
And we’ll need your help and support to make that happen–look for more details, here at LPJL!

FUCKIN’ LIKE PILGRIMS

The first ever birth control app to be approved by the government is out (not our government, don’t worry we wouldn’t trust that either). The Natural Cycles app, made by physicist couple Elina Berglund and Raoul Scherwizl, has been approved by the European Commission and is ready to track your eggs.

A little background on what is essentially the rhythm method for those unfamiliar. Your body changes temperature when you’re ovulating. (I have always found myself to be more attractive, on top of my game and eyeballing strangers when I’m ovulating; it’s my body signaling me like ‘YO LET’S GET SOME!’) Women can track their temperature (and often changes in discharge) so they know when they’re ovulating. Then they don’t have unprotected sex during that time if they’re trying not to get pregnant. Also to be noted, sperm can live inside a uterus for close to a week (JUST LIKE ALIEN) so a person has to block out the time before ovulation as well. This is how pilgrims did it.

What Natural Cycles has factored in that the pilgrims did not have are all the circumstances that make it hard for women to keep track of themselves: irregular periods, sperm survival, temp fluctuations and more are added into the app algorithm. Natural Cycles monitors your stats and keeps your ovie calendar so you carry it around on your phone and know when you can and can’t raw dog it. It’s the first fertility monitor to be certified as a medical device.

The app boasts that when used correctly it is as effective as the pill. Which means that (again WHEN USED CORRECTLY) the failure rate is 7 out of every 100 women. This is for ‘typical use.’ The big factor, the ‘typical use’ quotient, is the user — are you the kind of person who will use it correctly? And that’s not a judgement, that is just a question to ask yourself. Will you not have unprotected sex during your ten possibly fertile days? Will you monitor your temp changes? I know for me personally, I would not be able to. I can’t even not eat dairy when I know it makes me poop weird. I just cannot be trusted when it comes to putting things inside myself.

If you are good at these things, and are looking for a birth control option that is non hormonal, this might be perfect for you! I asked my friends who track their cycles a couple of quick questions that may be helpful to everyone.

Are you taking your vagina temperature or mouth temperature? Straight up, I thought they meant pussy temp. But it’s not, it’s just a regular old stick it in your mouth thermometer. Too bad.

Is there is vaginal discharge flow chart? No one gave us a class in discharge — WHICH IS SUCH A MISSED OPPORTUNITY. I want a discharge seminar! So how do we find out what kind of yolk means what?! Besides getting together with your friends and comparing panties we found this wonderful article giving you some great and helpful juice descriptions.

Ideally we will have more and more birth control options for women AND men to try so everyone can find what works best for them (clearly this will not happen under out current ‘administration’). However the responsibility has always been placed on women and in a painfully ironic move her choices are then legislated and judged. So every new thing out there that allows women to make decisions for her own body is great! Big ups Natural Cycles! ALSO — it’s wonderful to say discharge and ovulate as much as possible so people know it’s nothing to be ashamed of! DISCHARGEEEEEEEEEEE!

Hosting Duties

An Oklahoma cow paddy of a state rep–who referred to pregnant women as “hosts”–is sponsoring a bill that would require consent from the father of a fetus before an abortion.  

Oklahoma State Rep Justin Humphrey’s bill requires any woman “to provide, in writing, the identity of the father of the fetus to the physician who is to perform or induce the abortion.” And then Baby Daddy has to give his written permission for the woman to evacuate her uterus. You know, because he’s put so much of himself into this pregnancy, what with the furious humping and the ejaculation and the thimble’s worth of semen that he lost and can never get back….

If said sperm donor decides he wants to use you as a petri dish to grow his spoonful of man-sauce into a full-fledged chip off of his block, then you can just drop everything and start your hosting duties… and hope he’s willing to chip in on some the expenses in this rather involved process.

And as for you? Well, you’re “the host!” Seriously. In an interview about his bill, Humphrey said  “I feel like it is a separate — what I call them is, is you’re a ‘host.’ And you know when you enter into a relationship you’re going to be that host and so, you know, if you pre-know that then take all precautions and don’t get pregnant… you’re the host and you invited that in.”

OK, coherence isn’t really his thing. But “Host?” WTF? Does Justin Humphreys think that being pregnant is like working the front desk at a Denny’s during the breakfast rush? Just give your name and you’ll be seated as soon as a uterus opens up! Seriously, the term “host” is generally reserved for MC’s at awards shows or people infected with parasites. Are we talking about a “snowflake baby” or a tapeworm?

Oklahoma is already a disaster area for reproductive rights. The state has a 72-hour waiting period and mandatory “counseling” on the (FAKE) link between abortion and breast cancer. This latest session of the Oklahoma legislature has already seen in 11 anti-abortion bills, including one that classifies abortion as first-degree murder. In short, it’s already bad enough.

Let Justin Humphrey know that women don’t need permission slips to exercise their Constitutional rights.

Your Sexual History Used Against You?! Is This Fake News?!

We here at Lady Parts Justice League had a document slide across our desk this morning. It is an unverified memo, seemingly from the U.S. Department of Justice—Civil Rights Division. We are trying to find out if the letter is legitimate. We have not found a single news line mentioning it; however our source is someone we trust. We’re putting this forward to anyone we know who is in the media, a researcher or perhaps even in government to help us figure out if this is real as it has some pretty scary proposals to Title IX. If it’s not true we don’t want to be filling people full of fear, but if it is, then this should be front page news! We hope it’s not. Take a look at this document, but be sure to have a tissue handy because it will make your eyes bleed.

Since people don’t always want to read things that primarily only affect women, here is a quick run through of what the letter contains (not you, you care about women, we’re just feeling burned). The memo is discussing alleged horrific changes to Title IX about how sexual assault cases will be handled on campuses in the future (you know, cause they were already handling them so well they decided to mix it up and make it a little harder on the accuser).

The DOJ’s stated intention in this still unverified document is to protect “due process” but it becomes clear upon reading that the real goal is to make it more difficult for victims of sexual assault to come forward. (We hate using the term ‘victim’ but we don’t want to say ‘women’ either as it’s not solely women who are assaulted so for the purpose of this piece we’ll be using ‘victim’ while recognizing that that word has less agency than we intend. Saying only ‘accuser’ takes the actual crime out of it. In general people aren’t just walking around accusing for no reason, it’s in response to a thing that happened to them.) So whenever you see “due process” read PROTECT THE PENIS.

Among the policy changes this supposed memo is proposing, three points really jump out and grab our throats. Numero uno. “Every complainant’s sexual history, if relevant, may be introduced in the hearing.” EXCUSE YOU?!!! “If relevant” — go fuck yourself.  This goes by another name, it’s called shaming. Shaming someone so they won’t come forward because they’re afraid their entire past will be made public. As if someone having a sexual history means that they weren’t assaulted. This is back in time, witch burning, women shaming, bullshit!!! Maybe we should just ask our husband’s to glue our labia together before we leave the house. JK. JK. JK. Not all women are married, so maybe our dad’s can do it. JK. JK. JK. (No but for real, labia glue is actually a thing invented by a MAN!)

Another huge red raw angry flag in this alleged memo is it states that yes, of course schools must ensure that a hearing doesn’t further traumatize a victim, BUT they want to make sure going forward that it won’t interfere with the accused rights. I’m sure on the surface everyone is like, yeah, fair trail. But that’s not what this is. The accused gets a fair trail. We’ve all been living in this lacrosse team world. If you make something so vague as this an actual policy change it opens the door for bullying the accuser under the veil of protecting accused rights. (Take a hot second to wipe the eye blood.)

The last possible proposed change on this bullet to the head list states that reviewing the case and the investigation must protect the rights of the accused. It does not say ‘protect the rights of the accused and the accuser,’ just the accused. This might as well be a tribute to the swimmer rape judge — let’s make sure some guy’s life isn’t ruined because he assaulted someone. Vomit. Vomit. Vomit. Even our labia are vomiting (thank goodness for pu$$y lips glue)!

Rape culture on campuses is already so prevalent and changes such as these would just make it even harder for victims to come forward and get justice. Keep a very wary whispering eye out! Are they trying to slide this by without anyone knowing? It doesn’t seem out of character for an administration led by a man who said “Grab them by the pussy” to be more worried about the rights of the accused than the victim. When shit like this comes out we need to find out if it’s true so we can take immediate action! Is the DOJ is making college campuses less safe?! WE ARE ON THE HUNT TO FIND OUT! Please join us, like, immediately.

Honk If You Hate Women

Whether it’s the subtle condescension of stick figure families, the dudes who manage to sexualize breast cancer or threatening warnings that a driver may have a gun, we all know that the junk people choose to put on their cars is an easy way to determine whether they are The Literal Worst™. So, of course, the ubiquitous license plates that read “Choose Life” are a really quick way to ID garbage people, decide who you’re never gonna sleep with and pick which car you’re gonna drunkenly key (we’re kidding) (maybe).

But did you know that, in addition to contributing to a culture of stigma and intolerance toward abortion, these license plates contribute financially to shady institutions that discourage, shame and spread misinformation (AKA Crisis Pregnancy Centers) in several states?

That’s right, we’re talking about CPCs again. If you’re new around these parts, CPCs are institutions run by anti-abortion extremists that advertise themselves as resources for women dealing with unplanned pregnancies — while actually pushing shame-based, fear-mongering and medically inaccurate materials. They frequently keep their websites vague and try to game search engines in order to trick women seeking abortions into unknowingly making appointments at their facilities that, again, do not provide abortions, do not provide accurate information about abortions and do not present abortion as a realistic, beneficial option for women.

Now back to the license plates: Reports from Quartz found that these “Choose Life” license plates are 29 states (according to the Guttmacher institute) and that “in 15 of these states, a portion of the proceeds go to funding anti-choice or crisis pregnancy centers (CPCs).”  And it’s not just chump change, either, as Choose Life says they’ve raised over $24 million since Dec. 31, 2016 (with a total reported number of choose life license plates sales and renewals nationally is over 1.1 million.)

As Quartz notes, “legal efforts to stop the Choose Life plate programs have, to date, been unsuccessful” due to arguments that they are protected as “free speech.” However, reproductive rights activists have been working to try and even the playing field by introducing family planning license plates in their states — including Virginia, Pennsylvania and Montana. They just have a lot of catching up to do.
In addition to being the worst thing to happen to vehicles since Truck Nuts, these plates are literally contributing to organizations who lie to women and chip away at their reproductive options. While it’s easy to overlook this bumper bullshit as just another annoying example of passive, backseat activism, you might just find yourself playing the worst road trip game ever next time you go for a drive. Sorry in advance for adding to your road rage.

Putting the “Ass” in “Assist”

It may look like Donald Trump’s pirate ship of state is showing signs of sinking, but the rats are actually jumping ON board! Operation Rescue is offering to “assist” new Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ Justice Department in hounding abortion providers.

Put another way–a murderous and criminal organization is reaching out to the racist weasel who has been put in charge of safeguarding Americans’ rights by offering to help him deny women their Constitutional rights.

Just in case you were wondering what it would mean for your reproductive freedom to have Jefferson Beauregard Secessions–uh, I mean Sessions–as Attorney General, you’ve got your answer from the gleeful reaction of the hate group Operation Rescue.

Troy Newman, President of Operation Rescue, was quoted in an article on the group’s website as saying “We congratulate Attorney General Sessions on his confirmation and stand ready to assist him with access to our research and documentation in prosecuting abortion abusers such as Planned Parenthood and Texas abortionist Douglas Karpen.” WTF?

BTW, that article was under the byline of Operation Rescue’s senior VP Cheryl Sullenger, who Reproaction points out, served two years in prison for attempting to bomb an abortion clinic.

And in case you didn’t know, Troy Newman, who so helpfully offers to assist the DOJ in “prosecuting” abortion providers, has a pretty extreme view on how that should be done. In his book Their Blood Cries Out, Troy writes “The United States government has abrogated its responsibility to properly deal with the blood-guilty. This responsibility rightly involves executing convicted murderers, including abortionists, for their crimes in order to expunge bloodguilt from the land and people.”

Newman is so extreme that the Australian government barred him from entry out of concern that his presence would stoke violence against abortion providers. JEEZUS. Hasn’t the Trump administration done enough to insult Australia?

During his confirmation circle jerk hearings, Sessions refused to disavow Operation Rescue’s endorsement of him, while paying lip service to condemning violence in general. Well right now, Sesh has to specifically vow not to partner or work together in any capacity with an organization whose leadership has advocated violence and murder against abortion providers.

Here’s what you can do:

  • Call DOJ public comment line: 202-353-1555
  • Tell them: “Attorney General Sessions must explicitly bar Troy Newman and Operation Rescue from ANY form of affiliation or partnership with the Department of Justice and our government”
  • Sign the petition to Sessions and learn more from @reproaction: bit.ly/reproactionsessions

Every time you think it can’t get worse, you have to take action to make sure it doesn’t!

Price Busters

Shit just got real. And reality got a lot shittier

Early last Friday supporters of abortion rights, contraceptive rights, and health care in general got a 2 a.m. wake up call. That’s what time the Senate confirmed the nomination of Rep. Tom Price to be the new head of Health and Human Services. In general, 2 a.m. is not when most of life’s best decisions are made. And this particular one is even MORE likely to lead to unwanted pregnancies. THOUSANDS OF THEM.

As a charter member of LPJL’s series “Sauron’s Army,” we at LPJL  introduced you to vaginal irritant, Tom Price–enough times that we’ve exhausted the thesaurus listings for “asshole.” And now we’re down to “pilgarlic.” From his rabid opposition to abortion and birth control to his unrestrained zeal to destroy the Affordable Care Act, Tom Price is the perfect shitstorm when it comes to women’s reproductive rights. That’s not even to mention Price’s ethically-challenged stock trades in pharmaceutical and medical companies that he then introduced legislation to boost.   

As opponents of Trump’s cabinet shitlist, LPJL has been done everything we can to try and prevent at least some of these trainwrecks. So far, we’re about 0-for-everything. But in terms of immediate potential effect on women, Tom Price is the clearest and most present danger.

Already, Price is in a position to eliminate the ACA contraceptive mandate that requires  employer-sponsored health insurance plans to cover contraceptives and birth control counseling as preventive care at no cost to the insured. And he’s sure to use every slimy method at his disposal to push the now-stalled repeal of the ACA.

In short, you can be certain of two things–that Tom Price as HHS Secretary is going to be a disaster for women’s healthcare… and that he’ll find a way to make a nice profit off of it.
What to do? Let your Congressional reps know that you support both the ACA and the contraceptive mandate. Let them know that you’ll be watching their votes on any attempts to repeal or replace Obamacare. And keep in touch with LPJL for updates on events like our Dirty Dancing For Planned Parenthood Week of Action.