FUCKIN’ LIKE PILGRIMS

The first ever birth control app to be approved by the government is out (not our government, don’t worry we wouldn’t trust that either). The Natural Cycles app, made by physicist couple Elina Berglund and Raoul Scherwizl, has been approved by the European Commission and is ready to track your eggs.

A little background on what is essentially the rhythm method for those unfamiliar. Your body changes temperature when you’re ovulating. (I have always found myself to be more attractive, on top of my game and eyeballing strangers when I’m ovulating; it’s my body signaling me like ‘YO LET’S GET SOME!’) Women can track their temperature (and often changes in discharge) so they know when they’re ovulating. Then they don’t have unprotected sex during that time if they’re trying not to get pregnant. Also to be noted, sperm can live inside a uterus for close to a week (JUST LIKE ALIEN) so a person has to block out the time before ovulation as well. This is how pilgrims did it.

What Natural Cycles has factored in that the pilgrims did not have are all the circumstances that make it hard for women to keep track of themselves: irregular periods, sperm survival, temp fluctuations and more are added into the app algorithm. Natural Cycles monitors your stats and keeps your ovie calendar so you carry it around on your phone and know when you can and can’t raw dog it. It’s the first fertility monitor to be certified as a medical device.

The app boasts that when used correctly it is as effective as the pill. Which means that (again WHEN USED CORRECTLY) the failure rate is 7 out of every 100 women. This is for ‘typical use.’ The big factor, the ‘typical use’ quotient, is the user — are you the kind of person who will use it correctly? And that’s not a judgement, that is just a question to ask yourself. Will you not have unprotected sex during your ten possibly fertile days? Will you monitor your temp changes? I know for me personally, I would not be able to. I can’t even not eat dairy when I know it makes me poop weird. I just cannot be trusted when it comes to putting things inside myself.

If you are good at these things, and are looking for a birth control option that is non hormonal, this might be perfect for you! I asked my friends who track their cycles a couple of quick questions that may be helpful to everyone.

Are you taking your vagina temperature or mouth temperature? Straight up, I thought they meant pussy temp. But it’s not, it’s just a regular old stick it in your mouth thermometer. Too bad.

Is there is vaginal discharge flow chart? No one gave us a class in discharge — WHICH IS SUCH A MISSED OPPORTUNITY. I want a discharge seminar! So how do we find out what kind of yolk means what?! Besides getting together with your friends and comparing panties we found this wonderful article giving you some great and helpful juice descriptions.

Ideally we will have more and more birth control options for women AND men to try so everyone can find what works best for them (clearly this will not happen under out current ‘administration’). However the responsibility has always been placed on women and in a painfully ironic move her choices are then legislated and judged. So every new thing out there that allows women to make decisions for her own body is great! Big ups Natural Cycles! ALSO — it’s wonderful to say discharge and ovulate as much as possible so people know it’s nothing to be ashamed of! DISCHARGEEEEEEEEEEE!

New York: The Big Apple Of Your Vagina

New York State has two bills that are currently climbing through government ranks with the hopes of building a protective guard around your reproductive rights. A wall for your uterine wall (ugh, sorry, this “administration” is wearing me down)!

The Reproductive Health Act (RHA) is legislation that would sync NY State’s abortion laws with the Supreme Court 1973 Roe V Wade decision. Although New York came in swinging and legalized most abortions pre-Roe in 1970, the law has actually not been updated since. Yikes! The RHA would solidify that women in New York State can have an abortion at anytime during their pregnancy (i.e. not after you silly goose AHAHAHA) if her health was in danger. It would also take abortion out of the penal code. Yeah, I know! WHAT IS ABORTION STILL DOING IN THE NY PENAL CODE?!?! (Sounds like penis code #AmIRiteLadies – I AM SO WEARY.)

RHA just passed through the State Assembly on January 17th, which is the good news! The bad news is that RHA was passed last year by the NY Assembly BUT WAS DENIED by the State Senate. BOOOOOOOOOOOO them. Especially with the new “government” acting fast to send us back to the 50s it is imperative that people support this legislation and protect New York women and doctors.

The other bill coming down the pipe is the Comprehensive Contraception Coverage Act (CCCA) which preemptively protects birth control as the new “administration” puts the Affordable Care Act on the chopping block. (Or at least parts of it. Honestly, who knows what they are doing?! They most certainly don’t. BRAHHHHHHS what is this replacement plan you keep pretending you have?!?!) The CCCA would keep the coverage afforded by the ACA, requiring NY health insurance companies to provide co-pay free FDA approved methods of contraception to men and women. The CCCA passed the assembly in January and moved to the Senate on the 25th.

The CCCA has bipartisan support (although it was stalled on the floor in 2016) and is even sponsored by Republican Senator John Bonacic. Bonacic is also giving his support to the RHA which is facing an uphill battle in the Senate (and has less GOP support than the CCCA). Bonacic says that he is anti-abortion for religious reasons but that’s a personal choice and does not want to deny women their access to heath care and medical choices. Really good on you John Bonacic! We here at Lady Parts Justice League think it’s super cool that you express your personal beliefs separate from making choices for other people!

Why are these bills already not passed?! This is New York right?! The state of “east coast elites” and “libtards”. Well, for one thing, we have Democrats who are voting Republican. WHAT!? YESSSS. For example Democratic Senator Simcha Felder who continually votes with the Republicans. Bro! Now is not the time! Felder was elected to the 17th District in Brooklyn in 2012 and although he ran as a Democrat, shortly after being voted in he announced that he would be caucusing with Republicans. Cockusing. Brooklyn. Where you at?! Who are the people representing your neighborhood (sung to the tune of Mister Rogers)?! Just as an FYI, in 2016 Simcha ran un-opposed on Democratic, Republican and Conservative lines.

Last week Governor Cuomo said he would defend women’s right to late-term abortion in New York State regardless of what is to come with conservatives on the Supreme Court hoping to overturn Roe V Wade.

Keep your vaginal eye out for the Reproductive Health Act and the Comprehensive Contraception Coverage Act!

Ready, Set, FIGHT FOR ACCESS

Here at LPJL we’ve been following the latest super creepy anti abortion regulation in Texas — a mandate which would require fetal remains from abortion procedures, miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies to be buried.

This is yet another terrible, horrible, no good, very bad requirement designed to end safe legal abortion. Aside from the total insanity, the trickery of this would put the burden of paying for each burial of every single procedure on providers. It would be so cost prohibitive that clinics could not afford to stay open. Voila, another law that punishes pregnant people and providers.  Also, bafflingly, the fetal burial requirement would only apply to individuals at healthcare facilities — meaning there’s a huge risk for anyone miscarrying or experiencing complications from an abortion to seek medical help because they would have to participate in burial arrangements!

Yet again, these laws would specifically affect low income women, while also perpetuating a major inconsistency in terms of why these remains would need to be buried in the first place.

TL;DR: This legislation isn’t about women’s health or environmental health. It’s just a sneaky, slimy  “backdoor” way of prohibiting abortions in the state.

So it’s not at all surprising that this regulation (and others like it) have earned glowing endorsements from the most prominent anti-abortion nuts in the country — including HIV-in-the-water-supply truther (no, really)  Carol Everett.

After fighting and winning as plaintiff in Whole Woman’s Health v Hellerstedt, independent provider, reproductive rights rockstar and CEO of Whole Woman’s Health Amy Hagstrom Miller, is back again, signing on again to be the plaintiff defending abortion access by calling for a federal judge to send this toxic ooze back to the hell from whence it came. Hearings start TODAY for the case and we’ll hopefully be hearing some good news by January 6 — luckily, in the meantime, the rule has been delayed.

As you might’ve guessed, Hagstrom-Miller has a deep bench of activists, scientists and medical professionals on her side who can attest to how little this trash legislation will do to help women — not that any of those folks tend to sway your everyman anti-choice legis-hater.

David Brown, one of the attorneys working with the Center for Reproductive Rights, put it: this case is another example of “the government of Texas defying the Supreme Court” and the ultimate take-away of WWH v. Hellerstedt — that “medically unnecessary sham laws designed to restrict abortion access are unconstitutional.”

We’ve watched Amy and her team of heroes fight this fight before but now it’s time for all of us to act up and #StopTheSham, once and for all.

Dealing With Shame. Guest Blogger: Pete Lee (Comedian and Masturbation Survivor)


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I want to share my masturbation story. It’s not a story with a happy ending… despite what masturbation advocates may tell you. No, the real story of masturbation is one of shame… shame, confusion, and an overwhelming sense of regret.

You don’t feel the shame right away after your masturbation. There are too many conflicting emotions. You just want to forget what you just did to yourself… and to the precious life that you ejected from your testicles.

But soon enough, it hits you. Everything seems to remind you of your masturbation. The laughter of young children at a playground just torments you with thoughts of your wasted sperm–sperm that will never get the chance to laugh and play on a swingset.

Hollywood glamorizes masturbation. In our permissive society, it’s just something that people do if they’re “hip” or “cool.” But they don’t talk about the messy aftermath of a masturbation… and the stains that never go away.

I want young men who are thinking about masturbating, or who may be masturbating right now, to picture me when they do it. I want them to think about what I did to myself, to picture me doing it. Maybe, just maybe, that will make them stop what they’re doing. If it does, then everything is worth it.

When you perform a masturbation, you’re not thinking of the years of shame and remorse that are going to follow. The men in this video certainly weren’t. And now they’re sorry. Listen to their stories, think about mine–and make your own decision. I pray it’s the right one.

 

Watch more Lady Parts Justice League videos on Youtube.

What Can I Do To Help?!?!

YOOOOOO! It’s been a week, to say the (very) least. Amidst the What The Fucks and the lying on the floor panic attacks, a slow drum roll is sounding in the deep. We are rising out of our This Can’t Be Real haze and asking ourselves what should we do now?! What happens next?! Why have I had my period for over a week?! (STRESSSSSSS.) What can I do that is a concrete action to help protect a woman’s right to choose and access to health care?!

Something tangible, real, doable: support independent clinics.  When people think of supporting clinics, the first thing that usually comes to mind is Planned Parenthood. Why? Because they are awesome, obvi. But in actuality there are also 100s of amazing independent abortion providers across the United States. Most people don’t even know about independent clinics but like Planned Parenthood, they also provide amazing care. And like Planned Parenthood, they could also use your support.

In trying to think of an analogy of the roles all our providers play in the abortion care landscape, it’s kinda like if Planned Parenthood was Trader Joe’s and the independent clinics were your local co-op…If your local co-op provided the majority of food to your state.

Yep. These independent clinics are often THE ONLY option for thousands and thousands of women, and in fact they provide THE MAJORITY OF ABORTION CARE for women in the United States. Add to that, they are more often than not operating inside the States most hostile toward abortion access. We need to help them continue and thrive, and we need them to know they are not alone. So, we encourage you to learn about all our wonderful abortion providers.

A few options…

Get to know ACN – they are SUCH rockstars! ACN, the Abortion Care Network, is a “national network of providers that share best practices and support each other in providing the best care to patients”.  ACN gives providers the tools to deliver the highest quality care possible and has put into place a supportive network for clinics. This organization is an incredible resource to connect to your local clinic so you can join an escort team or help in other tangible ways. Donate here to help them continue their work.

If you are low on funds, do what we do over at LPJL – write a thank you note to your local provider letting them know you appreciate their hard and important work! We here at Lady Parts Justice League have many postcard writing parties and would love to see you at the next one.

Or volunteer as an escort and walk women in and out of clinics, sheltering them from protesters with your body and spirit.

Do what feels right for you; just take some time and let these clinics know you are there for them!

And, as always if you wanna go in deep, join the Lady Parts Justice League and get some serious boots on with us!

 

Bama Says “Get Off My (Vagina) Lawn”

dancemoms
Big shout out to federal district court Judge Myron Thompson who blocked two incredibly harsh abortion restrictions that would have greatly (like greatly badly) affected the women of Alabama! Bravo Judge Thompson, for protecting women and upholding their constitutional rights. We tip our hats, we offer you a sweet tea, we throw some pulled pork on the BBQ in your honor!

The first law Thompson slapped down (we like to visualize it as if he’s spiking a volleyball) was know as SB 205. It stated that clinics within 2,000 feet of public schools grades K-8 would have to close. People supporting the law said that protestors outside these clinics were having negative effects on the kids. Oh? By that logic should we also ban women from walking outside so everyone doesn’t have to hear them being catcalled? Seems rational. And fair. (NO! NO! NO!) This bill would essentially have clinic doctors and their patients abiding by the same law as sex offenders. WHAT, the proverbial FUCK.

The two clinics that would have been affected by SB 205 are in Hunstville and Tuscaloosa and provide over half the abortions in the state. (They are two of the five abortion providers left in Alabama.) If we weren’t so trusting in our belief that everyone wants what is best for women it would almost seem as if they were specifically targeted? Like someone saw them and thought, oh what ridiculous thing could we make up to shut those down? I mean, that would be cynical. No one would do that. OF COURSE THEY WOULD.

It’s important to mention that the clinic in Huntsville is already at its second location. It had to move from its first, more affordable, location that was not by a school, because of TRAP laws that were previously enforced. Judge Thompson was like Yo Brahhhhhs (not a direct quote) this bill would place an undue burden on women. They would have to drive too far without these clinics, and the supreme JUST SAID you can’t do that anymore.

The second law, SB 363, would have banned a medical procedure. This medial procedure is the standard for performing second trimester abortions. Judge Thompson was like Come on broooooooo, we already discussed this. Constitutional rights and shit! (Again not a direct quote.)

In celebration of Judge Thompson’s decision and in solidarity with the women of Alabama, we here at Lady Parts Justice League would like to share with you our premiere video Alabama Patriots Show Their ‘Merkin Pride. If you loved The USA Freedom kids, wait until you see their moms!

Oh Hey! Birth Control? What a Novel Idea.

clauscontrolThe Congressional Pro-Choice Caucus is leading a squad of Democrats from the House of Representatives advocating that healthcare providers should get more contraception training in order to provide women with better and more accurate options. (From here on out let them be known as “The Squad” as there are almost 24 of them, so it’s an accurate title military wise AND they needed a catchier name.)

The Squad has written a letter to the U.S. Health and Human Services (HHS); I highly suggest you take a gander at it. Such nice stationary! And, if anyone has ever been a supervisor or manager you might immediately recognize the classic way in which the information and ask is presented, (what I like to call) The Shit Sandwich. Good news. Bad news. Nice closer.

The letter begins with a compliment (the following italics represent my paraphrasing, if you want the exact words, again read the letter). You’re doing so great, family planning is more accessible to more people! Then we have a another nice thing that moves directly into shit sandwich time. YES it’s true that unintended pregnancies are at their lowest rate in 40 years but we are still trailing behind other developed countries. Our unintended pregnancy rate (average) is 45%. Which means that almost half the time someone gets pregnant in this country, it was not on purpose.

Then The Squad drops the whole poop on HHS. Examples of women being unable to access contraceptives, problems with insurance and doctors not even knowing some of the options themselves! They cited a recent study showing that less than half of OBGYNs realized they could insert an IUD right after giving birth.

Then, here comes the ask: we need to make better what we have already made better (a need to fix something tucked inside a compliment — which in my opinion is the way to do it). Let’s get doctors more tools and contraceptive training so they can get the options out there to the women! Yes!

I can’t imagine (read that in a voice dripping with sarcasm) why this isn’t a bipartisan issue with Republican signatures on the letter. People beating the anti-abortion drum never seem to get on the contraception train. How, ironic?

This point is often brought up but I feel like it should actually almost be the beginning and end of any anti-abortion argument. (Next the italics depict a fake conversation I’m having with myself where the myself I am fighting with represents most of the GOP.) Oh are you putting money towards women and doctors learning about options for safe and affordable birth control? No? So then go f*ck yourself. BECAUSE CLEARLY YOU DON”T CARE ABOUT THE ABORTION you care about limiting women’s choices and controlling them.

The Squad requests a response from HHS by December 23rd. Just in time for Santa.

Dear Mister Claus,

This year we would love for people to WAKE THE F*CK UP and realize that the most efficient, cheapest and practical way to cut down on abortions is to provide women and doctors with birth control education. If you could please plant some coal in the kisser of anyone who tries to come up with some lame-o excuse that this isn’t true that would also be much appreciated. Milk and cookies are on the table.

XO,
The Lady Parts Justice League

Trust Women?! Okie Dokey!

okokWhen we think of Oklahoma we might think of the surrey with the fringe on top, the waving wheat that sure smells sweet, football… We also might think of some of the strictest and most hateful anti-choice laws in the entire nation. You may recall earlier this year when the Oklahoma state legislature tried to pass a law that would make it a felony for a doctor to perform an abortion. WOW, NOT OK, OK. You may also remember that Mary Fallin, Oklahoma’s Republican Governor, did not pass the bill — NOT BECAUSE IT WAS MORALLY WRONG — but because she felt the language was “vague” — ohhhhhhh my. The fringe on top of my surrey is spiking with rage!

So, considering this rich women hating landscape, the following news is cause for a HUGE CELEBRATION!

It’s been 42 years in the making, but, Oklahoma has opened a new women’s clinic! South Wind Women’s Center in Oklahoma City is run by a Kansas based organization named Trust Women. At South Winds a woman can obtain an abortion, Plan B, get help with adoption and family planning. OK has not opened a new women’s health center since 1974. Previous to the opening of South Winds OK had only two clinics in the entire state and Oklahoma City was one of the largest US cities with absolutely no abortion provider whatsoever.

In honor of such a momentous occasion we wrote a little song:

OOOoooooooooklahoma where women go searchin’ for care,
While you’re driving your car, you’ll have to drive far,
When you’re looking for an OBGYN chair.

You know the tune…

Thank you, South Winds Women’s Center! You are making women’s lives better!