State of the Uterus 2019

Today Eunice P. Justice addressed a joint session of Congress for the 2019 State of the Uterus. Here is the official transcript from the speech.

Madame Uterus, Mister Vice Uterus, my beautiful gender neutral First Spouse, invited guests. It has been one year since I stood before you in this majestic chamber to give you the state of my majestic chamber. So today I can assure you, my fellow Americans, that the State of the Uteri is strong.

But, as we know, 2018 was not without significant setbacks. We watched the Supreme Court move further to the right. In fact, it’s now located closer to my cervix than at any time in the past 40 years.

But we also saw advancements. Republicans made history last month by making Marsha Blackburn and Joni Ernst the first women from their party to sit on the Senate Judiciary Committee. Gone are the days of hiring an outside woman to question the victims of the next sexual predator nominated for a Supreme Court seat. Adding these women to the Judiciary Committee shows us that even though they don’t care, they’re trying to look like they do. And that, my friends, is progress!

While we celebrate these successes, we must also face the harsh reality that there are many challenges before us. Dangerous forces that threaten our way of life. And today, my fellow-pian Americans, I stand before you with a plan to face them head on.

We all watch anxiously as caravans of undocumented politicians continue to make their way to our borders. From East Ovary to West Ovary, all the way to South Vagina – the United States of the Uteri is being invaded by extremist politicians coming from shithole countries like Whitemanistan, and lncel-vania. Some are dangerous. Some are useless, and all of them want to destroy the freedoms the Uteri of America currently enjoy.

Which is why today, I am proposing we build a wall. A great uterine wall. A mighty fortress that once and for all will stop the flow of these personal space invaders, not for a mere 28 days, but for 28 years! 28 centuries! We must stop these illegal fail-ions from penetrating the “I’ll-Decide-If-I-Wanna-Be-A-Mother Land”

Because, as we saw last year, our willingness to do nothing led to over 300 measures being introduced in 37 states, to restrict access to either abortion or contraception by vaginal coyotes who think expanding access means a 40 week abortion clinic in every taco truck in every parking lot of every daycare center in America. And that is wrong!

So in closing, we must ensure that the content of every uteri be determined by the individual owner of said uterus, and not by invaders, whether foreign or domestic. We do not need to make the Uteri Great Again. Rather we must honor our majestic chamber. We must protect our borders. And we must maintain its freshness.

There is much work to be done, especially after 35 days of a shut down. And if you will allow me a point of personal privilege – I do not take credit for this shut down, nor will I take blame for this shut down because, for the last time, the uterus does not have the ability to shut the whole thing down!

So thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States of the Uteri.

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