It Is, In Fact, Not Friday

This may seem contradictory to your current reality, but we want to let you know: today is not Friday.

It kinda seemed that everyone realized this week that these “heartbeat” bills were happening across the country and you know what, better late than never. Ohio once again passed their “heartbeat” bill because, once you pop you can’t stop we guess. They’ve been doing this for a while but the governor LITERALLY JUST SIGNED IT, so sorry Ohio schools and roads, you’re about to lose a lot of money on a useless lawsuit to prove what we ALL KNOW which is that this is SUPER unconstitutional!

But also, surprisingly, Tennessee DIDN’T PASS or vote on their heartbeat bill! It’s because… they really wanna pass a trigger bill 🙁 but… STILL GOOD NEWS!
Also we just wanna mention a funny, terrible thing that happened this week that like, obviously DOESN’T matter: this WEIRDO alien comics guy! Went to the March for Life. Is obvs anti-choice. NOTHING IS GOOD! Fin.

What a WEEK! (It’s Wednesday)

So, the 20-week abortion ban just got ruled unconstitutional by a judge in NORTH CAROLINA. FUCKING NORTH CAROLINA! THINK ABOUT THAT ONE SECOND! Like, even in the SOUTH it was OBVIOUS that this bill was unconstitutional! OK so… Lindsey Graham introduced that bill in Congress again. Apparently he’s done this every year since 2013 which…. Lololololololololololol. But still, bro, the Constitution, ever read it??

So we all remember The Birdcage (from 1996) where a character says you should kill mothers who want abortions BECAUSE IT’S LIKE THROWING THE BABY OUT WITH THE BATHWATER. AND IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE AN INSANE JOKE AND CLEARLY WRONG?? In 1996! This was said! But any way now they’re proposing something similar in Texas, where a person who gets an abortion can be tried with murder and sentenced to DEATH. JESUS CHRISTTTTTT! LOL we say “how PRO-LIFE of them” a lot but… man is this on the nose!


From What Garbage Can Did You Pull That Out Of?

“I’m wondering from what garbage can you pulled this definition out of and what state you copied this definition from…” Y’all, this is the quote of the century. Because in reading the news today we TOO wondered what effing garbage can did anti-choice zygote lovers pull their arguments out of this week!

So we’ll get back to the story this quote is from but first, let’s talk about the “Pain Capable Unborn Child Cute Puppies And Rainbows, How Many More Word Can We Add to Make This Seem Precious and Important Act” which had a committee hearing this morning that made us want to fall into the ocean.

So on our side, we have Jen Jordan describing the REALITIES of pregnancy and miscarriage and the importance of body autonomy through all of this. We also have Democratic senators talking about the importance of lowering birth mortality rates, a real “Fuck you for having this useless committee” argument, that we appreciated. On their side, well, they have a bunch of polished-monsters spewing OBVIOUS bad faith arguments. All the anti-abortion senators and speakers did some version of this baloney. “Well, you know it SHOULD be bipartisan to not kill babies after they are born… AND YET it seems like Democrats DO want to do that… anyway please vote for us in 2020!”

It’s honestly, despicable. It is ALREADY illegal to murder a child after it is born. DUH! Also, “extremists” when it comes to abortion… AGAIN… do not want you to deliver a child and then let it die. NO DUH! People perpetrating this lie are … disgusting.

Speaking of disgusting, we honestly can’t even understand this story coming out of Tennessee. So a state rep is arguing that because … abortion… is in line with… secular humanism (ummmm… Catholics for Choice might have something to say about this!) … um… that means that funding abortion… would… um… somehow mean favoring one religion over the other. We think?????? Like honestly, we don’t know, read it yourself. But man, can fucking Christians think of SO MANY NEW WAYS TO BE THE VICTIM. Like… you do know Title X Funding is now going like lamb of God places. YES HEAVEN FORBID WE SHOULD FAVOR ONE RELIGION OVER THE OTHER!!

Also, the Ohio 6-week abortion ban decided to remove pregnant people and their health from the list of legitimate issues in protecting. LOL HAPPY TUESDAYYY!

Let’s Try This … AGAIN

Well spring has sprung in New York and the weather is lovely and we’re feeling optimistic that things will work out this time. Sure, there are dumpster fires engulfing our world all over, but hey, we gotta at least try. And so we’re gonna choose to think POSITIVELY today.

First up, the Kansas law that like basically argues LITERAL DOCTORS should tell their patients to, idk, google that sometimes “abortion reversal” works or… you know, NOT SO MUCH a reversal as a “if you take a pill wrong SOMETIMES it doesn’t do what it’s designed to do.” This is hideous and preying on people who have ALREADY MADE A DECISION, but we’re gonna remain positive because… did y’all know Kansas has a Democratic governor? We’re sure we knew at one point, but anyway we’re HOPEFUL that she will veto it.

It’s literally impossible to be hopeful about this story of how bad ICE continues to be, increasing the risk of miscarriage for pregnant women. So you come here and INSTANTLY learn how terrible anti-abortion people are. You are either BEING TRACKED through missed periods to make sure you’re not having an abortion OR being treated like shit if you are pregnant to the point that they have a miscarriage. BUT we are gonna remain hopeful that people keep exposing this cruelty and that maybe, maybe, something like this will stick and these monsters will be held accountable #AbolishICE.

And finally, we are hopefully THAT WE ONE DAY WILL NOT HAVE TO READ DUMBASS QUOTES LIKE THIS FROM POLITICIANS. “It’s a tragedy that’s just hard to describe or even understand unless you’ve been through it, but my belief is that I don’t see why we should take another person’s life because somebody else committed a crime.” OK LOOK WE CAN’T BE OPTIMISTIC ABOUT EVERYTHING!

Kentucky, I Hardly Knew Ya

So because of some badass activists in Kentucky, a judge blocked the so-called “heartbeat” bill there in mid-March. But ladies, and good gents, we are so sorry that you were not given a minute’s rest, because NOW another big anti-abortion law was UPHELD by a court in the Bluegrass State. It’s crazy how two steps forward… some guy comes outta nowhere and punches you in the gut— abortion legislation is!

The law that was just UPHELD requires a doctor to play the sound of the fetal “heartbeat” (cardiac pole) for the patient seeking an abortion and DESCRIBE the organs in the fetus that have developed. And if you don’t want to listen, you have to PLUG YOUR EARS AND MAKE NOISES, and that’s your ONLY WAY outta it. Honestly, we don’t want to give them any ideas, but we REALLY thought this one was that you had to listen to the beating DURING your abortion and we were like, “Damn, these guys got EXTRA cruel.”

But it’s still… pretty extra cruel. Not to mention medically unnecessary. And like, we point this out it feels like every day, but we’ll wait until it sticks: This ultimately ends up hurting people WHO THEY ARE NOT TRYING TO HURT. It’s almost like they don’t care at all. One woman in Kentucky testified that it was traumatizing for her to hear the sound of her VERY MUCH WANTED but not viable fetus.

But guess what… the monster judge OBVS didn’t listen or consider this. And today, like every day, we’d like to just say again: SINGLE MINDEDNESS GETS US NOWHERE.

Anyway happy friday! Better luck next week, everyone!

A Ethical Dilemma: Why Are You Such a Doo-Doo Head?

OK do you ever read something by a professor at a school SO bad that you are like “I am embarrassed for everyone who has ever gone to this university!”? Cuz, oh boy, we’ve got a doozy for you today.

Well first of all, Vox is doing this series that’s like “What do you think will be considered unthinkable in 50 years?” And … idk y’all, if we don’t get climate change under control soon maybe like, drinking tap water without boiling it? Breathing the air outside?

And also we … legit think it’s reprehensible to hypothetically consider a MORAL argument against abortion (or for it) that COMPLETELY excludes the experience of the person CARRYING THE FETUS. Like… you can’t just ignore the things that are inconvenient to your argument! You’d never get tenure this way!

Anyway Vox published a hilariously tonedeaf article called “Abortion will be considered unthinkable 50 years from now.” UGHHHHHHHH! And it mentions that the number of doctors performing abortions has decreased. HEY THIS IS NOT BECAUSE OF A FUCKING MORAL ISSUE …  it’s because people threaten their fucking lives all the time and have killed them. Maybe don’t like harass people into submission and then use that as proof that your side is winning.

This article is so poorly written and argued that again, we are embarrassed that this person teaches somewhere.

“Nothing marks the progress of any society more than the expansion of human rights to those who formerly lacked them. I believe that if such progress is to continue, prenatal human beings will be included in this group, and we will consider elective abortion primitive and cruel in the future.”

OK so again, we hate to just IGNORE the women and pregnant people carrying the fetus… but let’s focus on the fetuses (lol the new name of an anti-abortion group, coming soon) for a second here. Anti-abortion people legit, just think the fetus is a fully formed baby from day one. They like to point out certain stages of development as signs of life (“well if it has fingernails, it is DEF a person and deserves rights”). And like… anti-abortion creeps want the burden of all the things that can go wrong with a pregnancy to be on someone else. They want the world to exist as a beautiful world of fresh, new healthy babies who never worry about anything. And that’s… why they stop caring about babies as soon as they’re born.

They just want the image of a mother holding a healthy baby, and that’s it, the end of the story.

But even at 6 weeks, a fetus can start changing, something can go wrong. Our bodies betray us all the time and when you’re gestating well… OH BOY there are a lot of devastating ways in which a fetus that was once healthy can become nonviable. And frankly, all the moral debates about abortion completely ignore that. They act like very baby is guaranteed a good life full of health and prosperity. But that’s obviously NOT always the case. And it’s cruel to ALL fetuses to argue that each has the same experience (ugh we hate talking like this… but I mean… follow their argument to its conclusion. They’re acting like a woman hasn’t EVER gone to her 6-week or 10-week or 12-week appointment and suddenly there’s no heartbeat, suddenly there’s terrible news).

THE REAL CRUELTY is to ignore REALITY in service of your bullshit, insincere, preaching.

March On Abortion Rights Madness: Southeast and East Regions

Our beloved photo editor went to Michigan State and because we respect her here, let’s just say we now are all at the tops of our family’s March Madness brackets.

But in the March on Abortion Rights madness, well it’s still anyone’s game. And let us just say, we think it’s pretty shady that these teams like Louisiana and Alabama brought so much heat AFTER they had been eliminated. I mean, Louisiana, if you wanna write a “heartbeat” bill, try not to do it so LATE! And Alabama literally proposed a TOTAL ABORTION BAN that makes abortion a FELONY. Coulda really used that intensity when you were COMPETING IN THE MARCH ON ABORTION RIGHTS!

We’ve got West Virginia against Ohio and Mississippi vs Kentucky (the only one clinic division). Who will win it all? Well we know that either way, the people of these states lose!!

If this gets you riled up, maybe stop spending money on March Madness bets and donate to an abortion fund in these states so that the activists can keep working hard to stop the erosion of rights!

That way, we all win!

Who’s Afraid of Sex Education

Look, we’re not gonna pretend to be like, the best at sex here. Well, we haven’t had any complaints, but, you know, we don’t want to brag. But one thing we absolutely know for CERTAIN here is that sex is a confusing, complicated thing for MANY people and that EVERYONE deserves to not feel uncertain when it comes to sex. I mean, cuz sex is supposed to be fun. Have we used the word “sex” too much? Have we creeped you out? This is an SEO-grab.

But this is all a precursor to introduce you to some fool politicians in Colorado who are FURIOUS at the idea of…. Wait for it… comprehensive sex education. Look, we’re not talking about like, watching porns and learning techniques, we’re talking about sex education that TALKS ABOUT THE LBGTQ EXPERIENCE. You know… sex education. And sex education that bans abstinence-only education! You know… sex education. Y’all, how much FUCKING EVIDENCE do you NEED to prove that comprehensive sex education… PREVENTS UNWANTED PREGNANCY. PREVENTS THE THING YOU SAY YOU HATE!

Anti-choice politicians are calling this overreach… this sex education doesn’t even COVER overreach. They’re so mad, they’re saying that it bums people out to LEARN ABOUT CONSENT. They’re so mad they’re trying to recall Democrats who vote for it.

This begs the question: why do these guys HATE sex so much?

I mean, remember when they got mad that Teen Vogue wrote a VERY GOOD article about anal sex. Do you really want your teen doing anal sex WRONG and fucking ripping out their butthole and then YOU have to take them to the ER cuz you couldn’t stop watching fucking Fox News long enough to acknowledge your gay child as a person?

And all of this bodes EXTREMELY well for the future of Title X :(. The amazing people at Jezebel keep writing about the Obria group which is legit garbage (as we’ve reported in our Operation Save Abortion videos here and here). The fact that they got Title X money is a travesty. They’re trying to market themselves as a “comprehensive, holistic medical clinic.” Here’s the thing, you can’t say “comprehensive… except abortion and birth control.” COMPREHENSIVE MEANS THE WHOLE SHABANG! And yeah, maybe people should be able to get medical care at places other than Planned Parenthood… IT WOULD BE NICE IF OUR FUCKING HEALTHCARE SYSTEM WAS NOT A MESS AND PEOPLE COULD JUST AFFORD BIRTH CONTROL AND GYN VISITS WITHOUT HAVING TO WORRY HOW TO AFFORD IT!
But naw, just give these loser millions of dollars to lie to women. Seems like it’ll work out. It’s not like we have… again… a bunch of evidence to the contrary.